Video Revi3w

Thanks to the internet, we have a prolific archive of great things and by things I mean fails. Great fails such as Kola Boof thinking that we, Africans went about topless and ate lions, one @Currie_Powder convincing her that he’s a lion herder in Kenya’s neighbouring country, Rongai and breeds ‘fresian, africangus,barbay, katanga and transvall’ lions (this was a win!) read the whole storo here, robert alai ( I put his name here to get him pissed and therefore generate traffic to my blog, Yaiy!), the mama who went on about how fat women drive away their husbands (buzz died down pretty fast on that one) etc…

There have been a few other fails since then and one catastrophic fail was the TECNO Phantom A launch video. I’ve searched everywhere to see if it was made by students because that would explain it’s corniness, more specifically if it was made by daystar students, sample their work here, but they were students so it’s allowed.

The video starts in mildly unassuming way; graphics intro, weird innuendo just like the intro to the Outer Limits, exactly like the intro to the Outer Limits. I mean people you are in media, you are required to be the creative bunch. The intro quite frankly is the only cool thing about the video in particular the SIM card countdown thingy; though, why did they put a count down and a loader? because they can, that’s why.

1. Costume Design Team

What on earth was Mwakazi wearing? A cape. He, from what I gather from the comments made, was channelling the phantom of the opera get it, phantom; he’d just graduated from Uni read daystar and did not have time to take his gown off, he was channelling the wizard of OZ who was taking this amazing phone to Dorothy in Kansas but ended up in Kenya (damn apple maps) or a Naija witch doctor. For whatever reason, the costume team ‘raked in’ the biggest failure, bigger than my ksce results yikes!

Oh and Mwakazi, black gowns do not do you any justice; they make you head look big (talk about black being slimming!).

2. Production Team

The intro breaks away to this scene, a scene so original, so fresh, Steven Spielberg could not pull it out of his *** even if he tried (creative constipation perhaps, wrong!).


slow turn for me, nice and slow, that’s right

The production team did not stop there no, they went ahead to make Mwakazi look even sillier:


harry aint got nothing on me

The even made him conjurer up p-unit, the marvels of daktari mwakazi.

that dendai

now sing, my pretties, sing

And for his final act, he disappeared.


rambo bambo boom boom

They should have done a Kenyan wizard series, no way that could have failed!

3. The Writing Team

The production team could have gotten away with the corniness of the wizard of OZ/Outer limits theme, the costume team already were out 10-nil now the writers, a special group this one; the whole video did not make sense, the writers could have saved it but then it would not have been as comical as it is, bless those geniuses! The lines that just did it for me…

... may I introduce myself, you can simply call me everything you are

okiey… And he went on to explain what he meant by this

I am good at my job, I get things done, the bottom line is safe with me, 
I know my sports, I need my stats, scores, the lastest news at my finger tips all in HD. 
Anything you want is yours,even when I go somewhere new I got all the information I need, before hand to carry on, blablabla

He carries on explaining stuff that is everything I am, apparently, but off the bat most of what he’s said does not explain why he said that he is everything I am; quite frankly I don’t follow sports or the news, I’m sometimes not so good at my job, that’s what we call a learning curve, I do get things done but that does not define my existence. So what I’m trying to point out here there’s no coherence between the first thought and the second… people were you puff puff passing when you wrote this?

The he continues to share what he truly likes with me, I though you were me and therefore share likes and I don’t like poo-unit (they like to smell their fingers and I don’t know where said fingers have been, it’s weird)

smelly fingers

wonder where those fingers have been they look so happy smelling them, especially the middle one.

Then finally he throws in the phone specs which all other smart phones share and others have much advanced specs which will refute the fact that he thinks the Phantom A is a rrrreal smart phone rendering the others as fake; wifi (wow all smartphones have wifi), super slim (next),  8 MP camera back and front (the front one has a 1.3 MP camera, liar!), battery life, talk time blablabla… you could have had us if you implied it was like having a Samsung galaxy S4 mini for nearly half the price! That I think is the only plus of owning a phantom, you’re too broke to get the real deal.

Anywho we all learn from our mistakes, sadly some people have theirs immortalized on the internet as a constant reminder in case their head gets to big (sometimes they could be wearing a black gown so discern the reason for a big head before roasting). Noteable the makers of this video have been left unknown(as I said, geniuses!) and Mwakazi is left to bare the brunt of it all, tough luck next time listen to your agent/talent manager or better yet get a new one!

And scene..!

kwazulu natal

he re-appeared and faded off into OZ (hopefully!)

Whole Video below


Installing Kohana on your Instance

So now we have and AWS instance up, running bitnami LAMP stack. The LAMP stack (at the time) came with codeigniter, cakePHP et all frameworks pre-installed in the /opt/bitnami/frameworks/ but we decided to go with Kohana instead of codeigniter (Kohana is better than CI for a HMVC application cause it was built for HMVC) therefore we needed to install Kohana on the instance.

For this I used my webserver manager webmin. Turns out it ain’t so bad despite placing the file manager link under Others menu; I mean such an important function should have it’s own menu.

So the following are the main steps and huddles when installing Kohana on your bitnami LAMP stack.

  1. Do not install the framework under the frameworks folder in /opt/bitnami/frameworks/
    Why? Well, I installed it there you know to be neat and all. But the framework doesn’t have a configuration file like codeigniter or cakephp what we get is a bootstrap.php in the /application folder. So after including the framework folder path to httpd.conf and tried to restart apache I kept getting the error <?php> not closed in the bootstrap.php file. After much googling and ogling (ref : the lonely island) na kujifanya makmende, I tried editing the bootstrap.php file to close the php tag and restarted apache to no avail, I found out that frameworks such as zend and now I presume Kohana leave php pure files (i.e. files with only php code) unclosed {why…headers, adding whitespace} so I edited my httpd.conf file and restarted apache back to what we had before. A few things I tried that failed:

    • Change the base URL from default to /opt/bitnami/frameworks/kohana/
    • Created a kohana.conf file from a codeigniter file but this didn’t go far.
  2. Install Kohana in your htdocs folder in apache(2) if you are using bitnami.
  3. Go to your kohana site via the url http://your_site/kohana to check if installation was successful.
  4. Due to extraction some folders lose their permission so start putty to change these permissions
    1. Login as root {sudo su}
    2. Run find . -type d -exec chmod 0755 {} \; from the root of your Kohana installation.
    3. Refresh your site; if some folders are still not writeable in my case was the cache and logs folder
      1. cd into the specific parent folder and run chmod 777 [folder_name]
      2. Refresh. You’ll know you are done when you get the green notification


        Kohana successfully installed

  5. Remove the install.php file and enjoy.

Bado Kazi: Errors post Installation

  1. Cookies

Kohana_Exception [ 0 ]: A valid cookie salt is required. Please set Cookie::$salt.

throw new Kohana_Exception(‘A valid cookie salt is required. Please set Cookie::$salt.’);

You need to set this variable in your boostrap.php.

I set it simply as

Cookie::$salt = 'foobar';

Once you set it up you get a page displaying ‘Hello World’


Kohana Cookies
Kohana Tuts
Kohana Installation Guide
More Kohana Stuff

unofficial wiki


To rename your site folder:

  1. Rename the folder
  2. Edit bootstrap.php to the new folder name.
officla taster

Texas Chili Cook Off

Found this gem a while back, thought I’d immortalize it here. Its a joke by Bruce Cameron; I had to scour the web to find out who wrote it (but I could be wrong it’s the internet after all), read on to see why…

Chili Cook Off

Judge #3 (Frank) was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


Judge # 1 –
A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 –
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 – (Frank) –
Holy $@#&!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Judge # 1 –
Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 –
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 – (Frank) –
Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Judge # 1 –
Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 –
A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 – (Frank) –
Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting $@#&faced from all the beer.


Judge # 1 –
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 –
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 – (Frank) –
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-Lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Judge # 1 –
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 –
Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 – (Frank) –
My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Judge # 1 –
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 –
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 – (Frank) –
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I $@#& on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Judge # 1 –
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 –
Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 – (Frank) –
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1 –
The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 –
This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 – (Frank) –
No Report

The Human Condition

The Human Condition
Always wanting what it does not have especially what the other has

The Human Condition
Always right never compromise
Always strong never weak

The Human Condition
Always first never last
Always dream never do


If it’s not leaking it ain’t broke
If I get wet who will fix it

The Human Condition
You get what you deserve
When do I get my cut

The Human Condition
Never our problem blame it on

The Human Condition

Creating an instance on AWS

A follow up on my geek adventures is creating an EC2 instance on AWS. I did this a while back (we don’t use it since the AWS instance could not handle the amount of data we had on the website as well its blog). Anywho this is going to be a doozy of a post but here we go!

Numero Uno: Launching the EC2 Instance

So on your AWS homepage select EC2; I remember the first time on this page, felt like I was drowning but there were several feathers to clutch but not sure which one would lead me to safety but I digress.

step Uno

Amazon Web Services Homepage: Select EC2

This will lead you to the EC2 homepage and click Launch Instance to begin.

launch instance

Now we are getting to the good stuff

But first we need to create a security group; so on the side bar find security groups and click clickty click it:
It’s under NETWORK & SECURITY group right at the bottom.

security groups G4s Style

creating security groups

What to do here:

  1. Click on [Create Security Group]
  2. Fill in the form: I got the screenshot below from

    Creating security groups

    You can name the group as desired but preferably give it your “incoming” instance name so as to track each group for each instance; alternatively you could use one security group for all your instances; depends on your situation.

  3. Now set up the inbound rules; we don’t want everyone accessing our server, don’t we. Click Inbound on the tab group below the security group list.

    Note: make sure the right security group is highlighted.

    The rules to set up

    • HTTP: We’ll allow any IP to make inbound http requests

      creating group rules: HTTP

      creating group rules: HTTP. Apply Rule Changes to complete and save changes on security group.

    • SSH – We’ll limit the IPs making SSH request to you servers. So we’ll add the public IPs of the machines that’ll access the server via ssh requests.

      Note: to get your public IP just google: what is my IP
      If you specify an IP address you must specify a CIDR (e.g.

      SSH Rules

      If you are not sure of your CIDR check this Wikipedia page. Add Rule and Apply Rule Changes.

We are done with the basic setup now onto the instance

二番: Instance Set-up

Click on launch instance and you’ll get the following:
Instance > Launch Instance

Instance Set-up

Instance Set-up

We are using lamp stack bitnami servers so we’ll look for that on the community AMIs.

The choices can be found here.

instance  set up

instance set up: counting down ’em steps

Homework for y’all EBS vs instance store

instance set up

instance set up step something of something

The steps that follow are just basic click nextclick next steps so they are easy to follow, therefore seeing as my laziness outweighs how much I care I’ll post the screenshots.

Instance set up

step 5 and 6

Instance set up

Step 7 and 8

Lunch Break…

aws instance launch and elastic ip set up

step 9 – 10

At this point the instance is launched and now what we need to do is create the instance’s elastic IP. (step 10 in the image above). An elastic IP is the static IP address for your instance. Read More here

Setting it up is basically a click next procedure as below

elastic IP

Setting up elastic IP

Once you’ve set up your elastic IP, type it into your address bar and


Instance is up and running

Nambari ya Tatu: Connecting your Instance like it’s a child with abandonment issues

Once we have that running we’ll need to connect to aws via putty for all ya windows users. If you are a mac/linux users ill kindly redirect you to this exit

Install putty from:

Just download the entire collection in zip instead of doing it one by one but for sure you’ll need puttygen.exe and putty.exe

putty collection

putty collection

Now that you have putty and PuTTYgen we’ll start by converting the keypair generated on aws to ppk format. It’s currently in .pem format.
Open puTTYgen



To locate file select


Check the red highlights (that’s what she said)

Then you get…



Click OK and save private key

Note: no need to insert a passphrase since itakusumbua tu when other apps like filezilla use the ppk file. Close now we are ready to make a putty connections.

What to do:

      1. Start pageant start>all programs>putty>pageant and add the key you’ve generated above. While it’s still running create and save a connection to your instance on putty as below


        Start pageant start>all programs>putty>pageant

      2. Open Putty
      3. Under Connection tab> Data enter your username (default bitnami, you can create and new user once you have SSH access and change this) and
        under session tab enter the instance IP address and save the connection.

        putty setup

        putty setup

SSH access

SSH access

Now we are ready to configure our server. More connection modes here
We’ll start with filezilla


Host: [public dns]
Username: bitnami
Password: Default no password, but change this once you get SSH access
port: 22

      1. Get your SSH Key in PPK format: Learn more
      2. Start FileZilla
      3. Go to edit -> preferences
      4. Select SFTP
      5. Click “Add keyfile”
      6. Select the PPK file
      7. Save the settings (click OK in settings window)
      8. In the connection toolbar, enter:
        Host: the Public DNS
        User: ‘bitnami’
        Password: leave it blank
        Port: 22
      9. Click “Quickconnect”
      10. If you get a message “The server’s host key is unknown”, click “ok” button



      1. Connect to bitnami instance via putty
      2. Open the phpmyadmin.conf file located in /opt/bitnami/apps/phpmyadmin/conf
        –linux Command—
        /opt/bitnami/apps/phpmyadmin/conf$sudo nano phpmyadmin.conf
        –end command—
      3. Comment out ‘Allow from
      4. Add ‘Allow from All’
      5. Restart apache server
        –linux Command—
        $ sudo /opt/bitnami/ restart apache
        –end command—
      6. Change password $ /[your install dir]/mysql/bin/mysqladmin -p -u root password
        But default password for root is bitnami.
      7. Elastic_ip/phpmyadmin


pretty straight forward; no surprises here.
Make sure you open the port in the server firewall by simply creating a ssh rule under your security group on aws.

aws firewall

aws firewall

With that you are good to go.

I’m Back(ish)

heh! si thing’s have changed. I only came back to steal ideas from a language translation tool to implement on our up coming website, but I’ve missed blogging.. ok; writting nonsense and and posting it to the public; as if someone reads this. And if you are reading this do you even understand what I’m saying??? If you do better check in with your shrink!

Anywho have a few techie stuff on word to upload. Had a battle with amazon ec2, bitnami and centOS; sufficient to say I lost horribly and now my boss handles the server stuff. Post that soon; promising fun stuff, my failure always is…. now to find that plugin

Cheerios!! (meant to replace cheers; cereal trumps alcohol in my books.)

The techie in me.

During the day, to make my mulla and hopefully build a successful career with what I got (no connections; no ambition); I have a job where I get exposed to tons of techie stuff and I’m grateful since that’s what I got a first class degree in. Most of this involves setting up server environments and the like. I get by by using blogs and how to articles which on the most part get the tasks done but after pulling lots of hair.

Due to my good nature and my failing memory, I’ll post the steps of how I achieved what to me are feats of tech-genius from a newbie perspective. Most of the blog articles assume every one is a linux-commands crunching techie which I’m not, so the steps will be dumbed down; really dumbed down.

Recently I set up an AWS EC2 server for our hosting. From what I read this is a infrastructure as a service that I wish I had invented so that I’d retire early but that’s not the case, anywho took me a day or two to set it up. Really awesome had to do some putty configuration, felt like a hacker, if only I could edit my black screen to have green text.

cat bugler but for the internet

cat bugler but for the internet

I haven’t documented the instance set up; will document the next instance I set-up on AWS. But recently I had an exciting task to perform a transfer of files from the previous server to the AWS instance.

Yes, sounds a bit mundane but here’s the challenge: I didn’t have the time to download all the files to my local computer then upload them to the AWS instance.

Laziness is the first step to becoming a full fledged techie so embrace it, it’s a good thing

Then there was the issue of it being an AWS instance; an entirely new creature very fragile; fragile things break; I get a bit clumsy.

So let’s get to it. Task details: The site was an ASP site hosted on; we are migrating to have the site done in PHP using codeigniter and host it on AWS. What I’m required to do is to perform and FTP to FTP transfer of a folder containing the site designs to the AWS instance and set it up as http://my_site/design so as to access the site design pages.

Old server: ASP

New server: Bitnami on AWS


From the tutorial I got the task breakdown as follows:

  • On the older server, compress the folder you’d like to transfer.
  • Open putty and connect to your instance. By now you’ve set up and saved the settings
  • Perform the transfer using wget linux command

Login into server and compress the folder

This is a simple step: login to control panel or it’s equivalent, select the folder to transfer and click ZIP or it’s equivalent.


Putty Configuration

Open putty: another simple step load the saved connection settings or connect to your instance.

The last time had a problem with connecting to my EC2 account because of the IP white list hopefully it’ll connect no problem this time.




The FTP to FTP Transfer

Linux has these nifty commands for everything.. making a double click girl want to change allegiance

Wget command quoting the blog: is a command to download certain file from remote location. – See more at:

Type in: wget

A really bad time

A really bad time

And presto your folder is on your AWS instance.

Now onto the tricky part where did I save the archive to?  and where do I place it so that it can be accessed from http://domain/design folder. It’s AWS instance with no cpanel.

Doing a simple [ls] I find the archive in the root folder. What I need to do is:

  1. Find the root folder (htdocs) for my ec2
  2. Create a /design folder
  3. Transfer the archive to that folder
  4. Unzip to /design

I can simply log into my web server via the cpanel application I installed but hat is to easy; its putty all the way.

So after digging through using filezilla looking for my /opt/bitnami/apache2/htdocs folder I finally had to open my server manager webmin and found htdocs so I’m thinking I’ll drop them there but via putty.

Here goes; first thing cd into /opt/bitnami/apache2/htdocs

bitnami@ip-17x-xx-xx-xx2:cd /opt/bitnami/apache2/htdocs

1. Create folder

bitnami@ip-17x-xx-xx-xx2:/opt/bitnami/apache2/htdocs$ Mkdir [folder_name]

2. Transfer archive to design

In the folder where the file in this case archive is located:

bitnami@ip-17x-xx-xx-xx2$ mv [archive] /opt/bitnami/apache2/htdocs/[folder]

to test if you are successful go to http://your-elatic-ip/%5Bfolder%5D/%5Barchive%5D

if you have a download tool then it’ll ask to save the file or download directly if you are using a kawaida browser.

3. Unzip

Collyo! Next unzip

Unzip and zip programs are by default not installed so you’ll have to install them:

$sudo apt-get install zip

$sudo  apt-get install unzip

Once you’ve installed do

$unzip [archive]

And we are done! Yaiy!